Strong leadership in girls isn’t just about closing the STEM Gap, or the Negotiation Gap, or the C-Suite Gap, or even the Congress Gap. It’s foremost about closing the Leading-Yourself Gap. That gives you power.
If you can’t lead yourself, you can’t lead others. If you can’t lead yourself, someone else may try to take advantage of you.
“Between childhood and womanhood, girls encounter a phenomenon known as "losing voice," according to studies published by Harvard University."
"74% of 12-year-olds surveyed by Girl Scouts of America list "improving the world around me" as one of their favorite activities, but a lack of confidence holds them back from taking leadership in the areas of change they care most about. Only 1/3 of middle-school girls today believe they can be a leader.” - Girls Driving For a Difference -
Getting girls to bridge the gap from doubting they can be a leader to leading social change they care about, is what these 5 steps aim to do.
As young, perfectionist girls grow into adult women, and perhaps mothers, we seem to be doubly susceptible to negative self-talk. So, instead of going out for a day of pampering to help you recharge - which, frankly, lasts precisely as long as it takes the nail polish to dry - consider these strategies instead. They last a lifetime!
Unwarranted criticism. Constructive criticism. Professional criticism. Mean girl behavior. Being bullied. Being judged. Being singled out. Girls lump them all together because they all feel terrible to them. So, the simplest way to escape criticism, even though it can help you grow, is to not put yourself out there in the first place. But identifying which type of criticism is being pointed at you, it’s a lot easier to handle and more likely that you’ll get back out there.
My daughter will have to play an entirely different game once she enters the workforce. She can no longer be a member of the rule police. Schools don't help us practice taking risks. They only reward perfection, and we gals love being perfect, don’t we? And so we hide behind our straight A’s. It’s safe there. Unfortunately, the more we are concerned with failing, the less we can achieve, the less we can improvise and the less we can invent. As they say - nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So here are the new rules she'll have to learn.
Praise is one of humanity’s deepest cravings. It satisfies our need for acceptance. It can give us meaning in our lives and it can help to build our identities. It’s easy to see why parents dole it out thickly to their children. However, when used improperly, the compliments can harm the very people we are trying to encourage. In fact, Dweck’s experiments showed that, sadly, the brightest girls collapsed the most.
Here's how to avoid the pitfalls of praise and, instead, motivate your child to excel!
My daughter was in dire need of some tools to help her with the difficult conversations she was having.
Conflict management is one of those traits that no one likes to tackle, let alone practice, but research shows girls, in particular, treat it like the plague. Dealing with conflict with confidence can put girls in a position where they might not be “nice” or even likable for a little while. So, instead, they avoid any semblance of conflict to maintain their “good girl” persona. That’s unfortunate because along with strategic thinking, decision-making, and problem-solving, the most successful leaders tend to show finely-honed communication skills.
Turns out, I got a few tips to throw into my own tool-kit as well!
Wanting to be team captain was the perfect opportunity for my daughter to practice the right way to negotiate. Unfortunately, she didn’t think so...
She believed, like many women, that if she just worked hard, she should be recognized for her talent. Three separate studies found that women are less likely than men to negotiate for what they want. Men place themselves in more negotiation situations and view more interactions as negotiating opportunities. They get a lot more practice in the art of asking and, therefore, a lot more comfortable than women.
My daughter learns that how you ask can reduce the stress of asking and can be much more effective.
Alexa was back but this time my daughter was ready. As author Lisa Damour says, “As a culture, we do a terrible job of helping girls figure out when they are mad. As far as girls know, they can either be a total doormat (Cinderella) or flat out cruel (Cinderella’s step-sisters). We rarely help girls master assertion, the art of standing up for one's self, while respecting the rights of others. We send the message that good girls are nice all the time and then we are somehow surprised when girls act out in unacceptable ways.”
My daughter is learning that envy is very different from jealousy, competition, and even admiration. Her friend isn't a friend, and she isn't jealous, she's resentful. Most would say it's just middle-school girl stuff. However, the research says that if my daughter doesn't learn to understand these differences it could cost her her confidence into adulthood.
Adam Grant says that leveraged well, procrastination can have powerful benefits like enhanced creativity and huge leaps in critical thinking. This approach is especially good for unsolved tasks.
However, how should I explain this to my kids so that they don't feel they can continue allowing their rooms to look like bottoms of bird cages in the name of creativity? How to ensure they don't start to believe forgetting or putting off projects and assignments is their ticket to intellectual brilliance?
The problem is that this isn't the kind of procrastination that's beneficial. Procrastination only helps divergent thinking and incubation as long as you don't wait too long which, ironically, often happens when you are disorganized.
Goldilocks procrastination. That is the goal.
A friend recently asked me, “What if your daughter doesn’t want to be a leader when she grows up?”
It’s a question I have heard before. It’s the, “Should we even be focusing on female leadership if most women eventually end up choosing to lean out?” question.
So what do I think? I think the premise of this question is entirely wrong. I don’t believe becoming a leader only occurs when you get ‘that’ position or they crown you with ‘that’ title.
In fact, given how different the economy is from when I grew up, I don’t think my daughter has any choice but to be a leader.
High self-esteem is internal. When we have it, we feel less dependent on the approval of others. We even get more comfortable with disapproval. Despite what you may think, self-confidence doesn’t take a lifetime to build. It can be harnessed and tapped with this simple 15 min exercise. Kids can do it too!
When you lack confidence, it’s hard to be authentic because you are constantly second guessing yourself. Therefore, when you lack confidence, you lack presence. This is a problem because people want to be around those who exude authenticity. Luckily for my daughter, doing something for just two minutes a day, started to trick her mind AND her body. Well…up to a point…
The final problem we need to solve in this workshop is the kids’ fear of taking on leadership roles. Why do we feel fearful when we we think of leadership? "Because, when you ask someone what the word “leadership” evokes - what images, words, symbols, feelings or people spring to mind? Responses are usually things like “vision,” “inspiring,” “greatness,” “Winston Churchill,” “Superman” and “awesome.” The underlying idea is clear: leadership is a major, even heroic challenge, needing exceptional qualities. But do most of us believe we have these qualities? I suspect not." - John Scouller